You Like Her, She Likes You, and the Gift Better Be Good
You’ve been seeing each other for about a month and now you have a dilemma: What to give her for a holiday gift? “A bad idea would probably be something with diamonds in it,” says Paul Baldwin, a 33-year-old banker who believes he sent an appropriate message to last year’s girlfriend when he gave her a silver bracelet and a jewelry box “ thoughtful but not too much of a commitment.
This year, he’s dating two new women (very casually, he says) and is wondering if he should buy presents. Or if he should keep a neutral emergency gift” on hand in case one of them gifts him and he needs to reciprocate.
When it comes to holiday presents, few things are trickier than deciding what to give the man or woman you’re dating. You don’t want to get anything that might lead him to believe the relationship is more serious than you think it is. And you don’t want her to feel pressured into having your children before she knows your middle name or favorite pizza toppings.
“The gift,” says Regina Stocco, owner of the Social Connection, a Ferndale, Mich.-based company that organizes events for singles, “sets the tone for where the relationship is. Coincidentally,” she adds, “more breakups happen before the holidays than any other time of the year.” Give her an electric blanket and you’re flat out saying you don’t want to keep her warm at night.
Gifts given during a season that is supposed to be warm and fuzzy and full of goodwill and togetherness not only tell the recipient about your feelings about the status of the relationship, they also reveal what you hope the relationship might become.
When Tim Flucht, 44, wanted his girlfriend (now wife) to know he was ready to move past the dating stage, he presented her with a beautiful rocking chair he made himself and said he hoped she would rock their children in it.
“The rocking chair was big and huge. I could tell it took a lot of time and effort to sand it down and finish it and do all that stuff,” says Patty Flucht, 41. I couldn’t believe he actually did all that for me. I thought, ‘Geez, he must really love me a lot.'”
They got engaged a month later, have been married for 15 years and have three children — who, sure enough, were all rocked in that chair.
JUST HOW SPECIAL ARE YOU?
Women are wired differently than men and have a tendency to ponder the subtext, reading more into gifts than men do, says Shirley Bavonese, a dating coach at the Relationship Institute, a Royal Oak practice that specializes in helping clients build successful relationships.
Women put more emphasis on gifts,” she says. “They think about what they received and they attach meaning to it … which is all the more reason a man should put effort into thinking this through. He should be, always, paying attention to her and understanding that it means a lot to women.”
The bottom line is that the gifts you give and receive say a great deal about how well you know the other person and how well he or she knows you. It’s about how much effort he or she put into making you feel special and wanted. And with couples who are married or who have been together for any length of time, it’s not so much about giving something your partner needs, it’s about keeping romance alive.
I like the idea of involving yourself in a homemade project, like poetry, like taking a photograph of a place that you both have wonderful memories about and framing it and giving that as a gift,” Bavonese says.
If people keep getting each other the wrong thing, it means they’re really not close and they’re not interested in finding out what the other person really wants.” Consider the holiday nightmare of 27-year-old Tracy Simon: This one guy I dated for six months. He gave me his old DVD player. It never worked, which I didn’t find out until a month later when I went to use it. He gave me a Dirt Devil plug-in wet and dry vacuum thing. It was new. I opened it. I was, ‘Thannnnnnnks’ … He was, ‘If your dog throws up or something, it will come in handy.'”
Simon broke up with the man a month later. Recently she began dating another man. They’ve seen each other four times in three weeks and planned to get together again. “I’ll probably get him about a $25 gift card if it lasts,” she says. But even that can be tricky.
While they might be a good idea for someone you barely know (Bavonese recommends candy or candles), gift cards can also be hugely impersonal. To me a boyfriend giving a Victoria’s Secret gift card is one of the most self-serving kind of things,” says 32-year-old Karen Kahn, who is single and has received her share of Victoria’s Secret gift cards over the years.
Every girl does like to feel sexy, but buying a Victoria’s Secret gift card is just not the way to do it. Gift cards show that you don’t really know them. To me, you get a gift for someone that is reflective about what you understand about them. I once had a guy who bought me underwear and picked it out. To me, that wasn’t as bad. To me, that was a little bit touching.
But overall, the sexy nightie thing and all the sexy stuff you don’t usually wear, that’s not really a present for me, that’s a present for you.” The easiest way to determine what to give your date or mate, says Bavonese, is to decide how you feel about him or her. If you really do like them, you don’t want to cool off the relationship by giving them a cold, distant gift.”
Confused about how much to spend or whether to celebrate the holidays at all? Talk about it. People can have a conversation beforehand and say, ‘How does your family do the holidays?'” Stocco says. The biggest thing they can do is have an open line of communication.”
By the time Christmas arrived last year, 24-year-old Nikki Stephan had been dating her boyfriend for two months and felt close enough to discuss gift-giving. “We talked to each other and set a limit so we didn’t go too overboard,” she says.
I had a really hard time thinking about gift ideas for him. That’s when I kind of had to start brainstorming and listening to what he was saying.” Knowing that he is interested in all things Detroit and has a favorite coffeeshop, she bought a photograph of a scene from old Tiger Stadium that had been displayed at the coffee place. He was so surprised! He did not expect it at all. He said, ‘You remembered me talking about that!'”
She also made him a fleece blanket and got him some CDs. He gave her some Ugg slippers because she is always cold, a workout suit and a Coach handbag. What is she hoping for this year? “I’m hoping he asks me to move in.”
