Why Did Huma Abedin Stay So Long?
After a flurry of media — and photos that would put a blush on anyone’s cheeks — we all may be asking ourselves why Hilary Clinton’s aide of many years stayed as long as she did with former US Representative Anthony Weiner. This isn’t the first time he’s been caught with his pants down (and undies sporting more than is decent); it’s his third. So why did Huma Abedin stay so long?
Ms. Abedin has said she gave long and painful consideration to her decision to separate from her husband, and how hard she worked at her marriage. Her religious beliefs may well have been one reason for hanging on, despite his previous scandals and addiction. Her career and connection with the Democratic presidential nominee Hilary Clinton were most likely additional reasons. But her son may have been the strongest reason Abedin attempted to keep their family together.
But, despite all this, it seems that it is obvious to Abedin there is no saving her marriage and she must move forward. It takes courage to walk away when the spotlight is focused on you, knowing that every word, every look, every intention will be examined under a microscope of public opinion.
Sexual Addiction or Compulsive Sexual Behavior
Addiction is never pleasant to deal with. And when it’s a reoccurring component in a marriage, it can be destructive, and often ends in divorce. Sexual addiction adds an extremely personal aspect that often includes infidelity, betrayal, secrets, and lies — a combustible combination that can include collateral damage, which, in this case, unfortunately involves Abedin and Weiner’s four-year-old son.
Michael Herkov, Ph.D., in an article for PsychCentral.com, answers the question, What Is Sexual Addiction? with the following explanation: “The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as ‘engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.’ In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships, or even arrest.”
Herkov also points out that, “The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.
“Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex.”
In Sex Addicts Anonymous, members define their own personalized sexual sobriety list from which they will abstain, rather than an “all inclusive” abstinence like alcohol or drugs.
Being Married to an Addict
A while back, we talked about the difficulties a spouse can face in an article for weLife, Are You Married to an Addict?
Anyone who is married to someone with an addiction can tell you that there are moments when that person is amazing, good and wonderful. Why else would they have married them? If you’re that person whose spouse is an addict, you’re in a tough situation and there is a lot ;to think about.
One of the first steps advised is to check into a program and find a professional therapist who specializes in addictive illness recovery, someone who can help you build a strategy to move forward. But for the addict, this is often a step that is a long time coming.
It is common that many people have to hit bottom before a ;willingness to change shows up. Unfortunately, it seems to take a lot of pain before people wake up to the truth and ask for help.
But it’s not always as black and white as one might think when dealing with addiction. Unconsciously, family members may be helping the negative behavior to continue, so educating everyone involved can be a useful tool. Sadly, treatment for the addict alone doesn’t always work if a dysfunctional system is still in place.
One strange thing about being married to an addict is that your love for that person was, and is, probably quite strong. The wish to end the addiction and fix the spouse is a common desire of someone married to an addict. For this reason, researchers started focusing on what has been called codependency. Many professionals recognize that the one trying to control the addiction is often as addicted to that sense of control as the addict is to the substance. So, while the main issue appears to be how to stop the addict’s behavior, the flip side of the coin is how to stop the other person from trying to stop the addiction.
Peak Times for Divorce
Earlier this month a University of Washington’s study revealed the “Cat of Sadness” graph that showed the peak times for divorce to be March and August. The idea behind the peaks is that as humans we tend to avoid conflict at certain times of the year, such as the holiday season. But when those nearing divorce find things aren’t better even after a time of hope and celebration, they pull the trigger after the New Year — thus the spike in March. Same goes for waiting out a school year until filing, causing August divorce rates to rise.
Obviously, there are those exceptions when we are driven toward separation and divorce regardless of the time of year. The story of Abedin and Weiner would be one of these cases. Despite the election year, and despite the coming holiday season, Ms. Abedin has no choice but to distance herself from the object of much pain and do what is best for her family.
Our hearts go out to Ms. Abedin as she endures her husband’s latest sexting scandal. But, even more heartbreaking is that their four-year-old son has been dragged into the public eye. The parents have chosen careers that open up their lives — with all its personal details — to the world; it’s to be expected. Yet, it’s the innocent child who will bear the scars of all this inappropriate fallout.
Sex in a Virtual World
What Mr. Weiner forgot is that every word, every news article, every text, every image is out there in the virtual world and his son will grow up in the shadow of such notoriety. Some notoriety directly caused by the shameful actions of a father who suffers from an addiction to sexting, by the media frenzy that finds it all newsworthy, by a public that can’t seem to get enough, and by the somewhat unseemly nature of politics to use as fodder against an opponent. If it’s digital, it remains forever. How easily we forget the number one rule of social media: never put something out there you wouldn’t want your grandma to see!
It will not be an easy journey for either parent; the process of divorce is devastating in even more normal circumstances. But with proper guidance and support (and parents that truly want to do what is best for their child) it can be done without anger and hate. Hopefully, Mr. Weiner will, once again, seek help for his sexual addiction. Children need the love of both parents; maybe he’ll be able to get it together and be the father his son can be proud of.
It’s just too bad Carlos Danger couldn’t see beyond his own selfish desires and consider his family first.
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